She Felt Like Feeling Nothing by R.H. Sin

May1

This is not a traditional review either. It seems that only poetry books can draw this out of me as I’m normally not a poetry reader.

I came across this wonderful book by random, flipping through these pages. And in an instant, my heart was hooked. Painfully. For there on the first page were words that wholly described me. Even after 5 years.

Have you ever been in a relationship where the one you loved just never seemed to love you back? No matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you gave of yourself, it was like you were never enough.

This is exactly what she felt like feeling nothing was. And the sad thing is? Having these words still resonate so deeply within me suggested that maybe I hadn’t let go of all that I thought was in my past.

As we move through the stanzas that I’ve selectively chosen from this short but encouraging book, I’m leaving behind on this page a bit of honesty of who I was and where I hope to be one day. To all you women out there who understand this as well, know that you’re not alone. To all of you who may not fully understand it, I’m happy that you didn’t need to go through such an ordeal and I hope you’ll hold onto those who unfortunately have.

what happened to your soul

i see the bruises and the scars

he never deserved to touch your canvas

how’d you forget that you are art

i know it fucking hurts

but i’ll just say this because it’s true

any man who hurts your heart

is incapable of falling for you

This was the first poem in the book that drew me in. A part of me still wonders after all these years if those bruises and scars on my heart have fully healed or if I just cauterized them and pretended that it was good enough. And if only the younger, more naive version of me could’ve understood that someone who made me cry for 3 years would never be able to say yes in the end.

i think there are times

where you miss the version of yourself

who never knew

what it meant to feel betrayed

Looking back, I wouldn’t necessarily undo the pain I’ve been in. It’s changed me into who I am today. But there are times when I find myself wondering who I could’ve been without this hanging over my past. Would I have made better choices later? Would I have been a better person?

a man who is unsure about

the way he feels for you

is unworthy of a space

in your heart

If only the 17 year old in me would’ve believed such words. If only I could’ve learned to let go in my heart.

you are something

that someone

has been waiting

their entire life for

And yet, maybe I have never believed that since. Is there a way back to such a belief?

you’ve hidden so much

of what you’ve felt

in the corners of your heart

refusing to open up

out of fear of being hurt again

To risk one’s heart for something that could be great, but could also bring a world of pain? To feel worthy to be loved? Am I still capable of that? If he was staring right in front of my face, would I be brave enough to reach out and open up my heart?

to love and not be loved in return

is the most destructive kind of love

that type of love is a love

that causes us to lose love for ourselves

In other words, unrequited love. If you thought that sounded romantic, it falls very far from that…

i think you’re just

this beautiful misfit

nothing wrong with being different

in search of something real

in search of someone who will listen

someone who will care

someone who will stay

a love that brings you closer

a love that never strays

I was once a romantic, but now I’m not sure what that even sounds like. Yet I see the stars and the flowers in the spring and find myself wishing the grand stories of love could be true for a mere misfit like me.

it’s hard to forget someone

who used to make your soul smile

but it’s even harder to remember

everything they used to be

Reading this whole book has dredged up a lot of memories for me. Maybe they’re things I should’ve dealt with a long time ago. Maybe it’s a good thing to finally air it out, no matter how hard it is to remember how it once was. The way he made me smile. The way it felt as easy as breathing once upon a time. Until it didn’t.

If it’s anything, taking this trip down memory lane has opened up the floodgates for me. And I’m not saying this book may be for everyone, but it surely was for this still-healing girl here.

Maybe it’ll bring healing. Maybe it’ll hurt worse before it gets better. As I look at who I am now, yes, I’ve made mistakes and I took down with me people who didn’t deserve that. But I’ve grown stronger and I’ve gained perspective and I’m no longer that 17 year old girl.

Maybe someday soon, I will learn to love myself more. And believe that I am worth loving by someone I took a risk for.

But that day just isn’t today.

Review: Lifeblood by Gena Showalter

Apr30

Series: Everlife #2

My Firstlife is over, but my Everlife is only now beginning.

With her last living breath, Tenley “Ten” Lockwood made her choice and picked her realm in the Everlife. Now, as the war between Troika and Myriad rages, she must face the consequences.

Because Ten possesses a rare supernatural ability to absorb and share light, the Powers That Be have the highest expectations for her future—and the enemy wants her neutralized. Fighting to save her Secondlife, she must learn about her realm from the ground up while launching her first mission: convincing a select group of humans to join her side before they die. No pressure, right?

But Ten’s competition is Killian, the boy she can’t forget—the one who gave up everything for her happiness. He has only one shot at redemption: beating Ten at a game she’s never even played. As their throw-downs heat up, so do their undeniable feelings, and soon, Ten will have to make another choice. Love…or victory.

3 Drink Me Potions

Lifeblood is a middle book that made me wish it was the first book. Filled with better world building – or should I say afterlife building? – and more kickass characters, this sequel was everything I wished book 1 contained.

Ten Lockwood, girl wonder that fits your mold of a special snowflake protagonist who’s invaluable to the central plot of the story, annoyed me less this time around. Which is a gigantic feat to accomplish. Her over-obsession with numbers and counting literally everything around her wasn’t overtly used, although that’s not say that it wasn’t still very much present in her life. However, I could say that she grew drastically as a character since last we saw of her. No longer is the indecisive girl who couldn’t choose between the 2 afterlife realms. This is a young woman with her whole being set on the Troikan values.

To keep this short and sweet, there weren’t many highlights aside from these things. I didn’t mind the info dump that occurred since Ten went to Troika as this was what I had wanted to know from the start . It was imaginative and well-described to the point that I felt I could navigate Troika myself. We get some info about the enemy realm, Myriad, and their history together too, so don’t you go worrying about lack of information there.

Both familiar characters and new ones play bigger roles here. The hot Troikan labourer, Deacon, and possibly your least favourite character, Sloan, are both still kicking, and even fallen characters who succumbed to Second Death aren’t necessarily gone for good (*hint hint*). We finally get a sense of the bigger picture now as Ten prepares to join in on this war between the realms. It’s finally pumping my blood a little at how this whole chaotic thing is gonna end.

I’m guessing Ten’s special powers have something to do with it. There’s minimal information about what exactly she can possibly do, but I suppose that’s why we have a book 3, right?

So world building and some minor character development helped with this rating as it took me forever to finish this book. What I still couldn’t really stand for was the romance . I mean, he’s hot and all and there’s apparently physical chemistry going on there, but for the life of me, I just am feeling nothing when it comes to Killian. He’s too textbook bad boy with a sad past that makes him a papercut-out copy of too many love interests for me to care. If you came here for the romance, I will say there’re plenty of little fun scenes where they do manage to get together, but if you just want everything else aside from it, no worries. You can totally skip those scenes as fast as possible without losing too much relevant information!

While the above states some of the more trivial things that I liked or not-so-much liked about Lifeblood, there was one thing that really got to me. I absolutely adored the underlying message in this book. To love even those that are hard to love or may not really deserve it. To forgive. To never give up on those who can be saved. These themes make this novel more than just your average book and for that I finished it.

Overall Recommendation:
Lifeblood was the kind of sequel that excelled beyond what the first book gave us. With plenty of war action between the realms and yes, even hot little romantic scenes, this book definitely had more of everything I was looking for. Both familiar and new characters will surprise you as the momentum builds for the conclusion. Although I wasn’t considered a fan of this series before, I think Lifeblood may have just convinced me to see it through.

Review: Ash Princess by Laura Sebastian

Apr18

Series: Ash Princess Trilogy #1

Theodosia was six when her country was invaded and her mother, the Fire Queen, was murdered before her eyes. On that day, the Kaiser took Theodosia’s family, her land, and her name. Theo was crowned Ash Princess–a title of shame to bear in her new life as a prisoner.

For ten years Theo has been a captive in her own palace. She’s endured the relentless abuse and ridicule of the Kaiser and his court. She is powerless, surviving in her new world only by burying the girl she was deep inside.

Then, one night, the Kaiser forces her to do the unthinkable. With blood on her hands and all hope of reclaiming her throne lost, she realizes that surviving is no longer enough. But she does have a weapon: her mind is sharper than any sword. And power isn’t always won on the battlefield.

For ten years, the Ash Princess has seen her land pillaged and her people enslaved. That all ends here.

4 Drink Me Potions

**Ash Princess comes out April 24, 2018**

An ARC was provided by the publisher and Indigo Books & Music

My name is Theodosia Eirene Houzzarah, and like my mother and all my foremothers before her, I am a Fire Queen, with the blood of a god in my veins.

Ash Princess features a strong heroine who would not be broken by her captors while placing everything on the line for the people she aimed to serve. This was a story that embraced self-sacrifice, the bonds of friendship forged in the craziest of times, and courage. A totally feel-good kind of story where no matter the trials and sacrifices made along the way, the good people will triumph in the end (although that may occur later in the series).

As other reviewers have mentioned, this book wasn’t necessarily a happy story. Theodosia, otherwise known as Thora to her Kalovaxian captors, was subjected to much abuse. Whether it be the physical markings of a whip to her back or the threat of the ruler wanting her physical body, this story can get a bit much at times. Although I wouldn’t say it was as dark as some recent dark YA fantasies (see Rosamund Hodge or Kendare Blake), it’s still not a pleasant situation Theo’s in.

That aside, there’s plenty to love in this book. All your favourite fantasy tropes are here – whether that be a good thing or not. You’ve got your almost-love triangle (where I for once did not hate it at all), a sworn enemy that the protagonist is attracted to against her strongest will, an evil tyrant ruling their beloved kingdom, and a strong heroine who would do anything for her people. Yes, it sounds like any other YA fantasy story out there, even down to the religion and special abilities derived from the 4 elements of nature, but we read these things because we like them, right?

The romance was sweet. I’m a sucker for a forbidden match where you wonder “how can they possibly be together?” The other potential guy is an amazing match for Theo too, but I’m holding my judgment to see where that’s going.

Secondary characters make you want to believe in their cause. None are perfect. Their experiences have been tough, but these rebels who band around their queen – grudgingly or not – make the foundation of the story. Underlying all the self-growth and courageous themes that Theo had to go through, there’s the strong implication that she’d be nothing and nowhere if it wasn’t for those who were willing to step up, no matter their station and circumstances in life, and do their part for their futures. Including encouraging a queen who felt the weight of all her people on her shoulders.

“…that’s how water works. The river flows, pushing against a stone, even as it knows it won’t move it. It doesn’t have to. Enough currents go by, over enough time, and even the strongest stone gives in. It might take a lifetime or more, but water doesn’t give up.”

Of course, this book wouldn’t be complete without betrayal and an ending that makes you want to grab the next novel! For a debut novel, Laura Sebastian is definitely an author to look out for, especially if you love all these common YA fantasy tropes (and don’t mind the somewhat lack of originality).

Overall Recommendation:
Ash Princess has everything I love about YA fantasies. Featuring a heroine who grows into her own as she faces down an evil tyrant for her kingdom, this story is one of growth, courage, and trusting others. While many of the tropes found in this book are not anything you haven’t seen before in the YA genre, the lack of originality is made up by the real and lovable characters, even the semi love triangle that’s kind of going on. All in all, I would say you should give this debut novel a try as you may find yourself falling in love with these common tropes that really do fit so well together.