This is not a traditional review either. It seems that only poetry books can draw this out of me as I’m normally not a poetry reader.
I came across this wonderful book by random, flipping through these pages. And in an instant, my heart was hooked. Painfully. For there on the first page were words that wholly described me. Even after 5 years.
Have you ever been in a relationship where the one you loved just never seemed to love you back? No matter how hard you tried, no matter how much you gave of yourself, it was like you were never enough.
This is exactly what she felt like feeling nothing was. And the sad thing is? Having these words still resonate so deeply within me suggested that maybe I hadn’t let go of all that I thought was in my past.
As we move through the stanzas that I’ve selectively chosen from this short but encouraging book, I’m leaving behind on this page a bit of honesty of who I was and where I hope to be one day. To all you women out there who understand this as well, know that you’re not alone. To all of you who may not fully understand it, I’m happy that you didn’t need to go through such an ordeal and I hope you’ll hold onto those who unfortunately have.
what happened to your soul
i see the bruises and the scars
he never deserved to touch your canvas
how’d you forget that you are art
i know it fucking hurts
but i’ll just say this because it’s true
any man who hurts your heart
is incapable of falling for you
This was the first poem in the book that drew me in. A part of me still wonders after all these years if those bruises and scars on my heart have fully healed or if I just cauterized them and pretended that it was good enough. And if only the younger, more naive version of me could’ve understood that someone who made me cry for 3 years would never be able to say yes in the end.
i think there are times
where you miss the version of yourself
who never knew
what it meant to feel betrayed
Looking back, I wouldn’t necessarily undo the pain I’ve been in. It’s changed me into who I am today. But there are times when I find myself wondering who I could’ve been without this hanging over my past. Would I have made better choices later? Would I have been a better person?
a man who is unsure about
the way he feels for you
is unworthy of a space
in your heart
If only the 17 year old in me would’ve believed such words. If only I could’ve learned to let go in my heart.
you are something
has been waiting
their entire life for
And yet, maybe I have never believed that since. Is there a way back to such a belief?
you’ve hidden so much
of what you’ve felt
in the corners of your heart
refusing to open up
out of fear of being hurt again
To risk one’s heart for something that could be great, but could also bring a world of pain? To feel worthy to be loved? Am I still capable of that? If he was staring right in front of my face, would I be brave enough to reach out and open up my heart?
to love and not be loved in return
is the most destructive kind of love
that type of love is a love
that causes us to lose love for ourselves
In other words, unrequited love. If you thought that sounded romantic, it falls very far from that…
i think you’re just
this beautiful misfit
nothing wrong with being different
in search of something real
in search of someone who will listen
someone who will care
someone who will stay
a love that brings you closer
a love that never strays
I was once a romantic, but now I’m not sure what that even sounds like. Yet I see the stars and the flowers in the spring and find myself wishing the grand stories of love could be true for a mere misfit like me.
it’s hard to forget someone
who used to make your soul smile
but it’s even harder to remember
everything they used to be
Reading this whole book has dredged up a lot of memories for me. Maybe they’re things I should’ve dealt with a long time ago. Maybe it’s a good thing to finally air it out, no matter how hard it is to remember how it once was. The way he made me smile. The way it felt as easy as breathing once upon a time. Until it didn’t.
If it’s anything, taking this trip down memory lane has opened up the floodgates for me. And I’m not saying this book may be for everyone, but it surely was for this still-healing girl here.
Maybe it’ll bring healing. Maybe it’ll hurt worse before it gets better. As I look at who I am now, yes, I’ve made mistakes and I took down with me people who didn’t deserve that. But I’ve grown stronger and I’ve gained perspective and I’m no longer that 17 year old girl.
Maybe someday soon, I will learn to love myself more. And believe that I am worth loving by someone I took a risk for.
But that day just isn’t today.